The Payoff of Acting Improvement

Life has been going pretty well lately. Over the weekend, I had the privilege of attending a screening of a student film I shot back in 2023. It was the first role I booked through my new Toronto agent, and I’m actually satisfied with my performance in it. I’m still not used to watching myself on the big screen in a cinema full of people though. I’ve done it at least five times now and it feels so weird. It’s not necessarily the watching myself part, although that can add a level of weirdness depending on the performance and the character and all that. But I can watch my tapes or projects home alone on my laptop and, though I may cringe, it’s not that bad. With other people around, I feel exposed. It’s like creating a parasocial relationship with a bunch of strangers, but I’m present for it. They’re seeing me, but it’s not actually me and they’re not looking at me, but they’re looking at my face, but I have no control over that face anymore because it’s in the past, but it’s also in the present and—

Like I said. Weird.

At the same time, I love seeing how people react to the project they’re seeing which so many people worked very hard on. I feel like my job as an actor isn’t complete until the project is, and the project isn’t complete until it has an audience. It’s also a reminder of how everyone’s efforts over the course of the project’s creation contributed to become more than the sum of its parts. Every project I’ve ever done has been made better by collaboration with others. Even my “solo” project that I filmed and edited alone during the early days of the pandemic involved a lot of other people and was better for it.

In other acting news, I got to be on set a couple months ago for a feature film! I had quite a large role, too. No pressure, right? Not only are big roles intimidating to approach as an actor, but the leads of a project have a big influence on what the vibes on set are. It’s a lot of responsibility, and it scared me just as much as the demands of the role. Thankfully, I had an awesome co-lead and an excellent director, and all the cast and crew were so lovely. It was such a fun and encouraging set to be on, and my nerves were settled by lunchtime on the first day.

The role itself was something like nothing I’ve ever done before. I knew just from the script that it would require every bit of training and skill I possessed, and then some. Our shooting schedule was tight, too, and the shooting plan required long takes, which meant I had little room for error. My lines had to be down and my performance had to be on point from the first take, no warm ups. Did I make mistakes anyway? Absolutely. But I also impressed myself with how I rose to the occasion. Now I know I can do that. I can take on a big role in a feature film, or a difficult role with minimal takes, and I’ll do it well.

It’ll be a while before that project comes out. We aren’t even done filming yet; we’ve got a couple pick-up days coming up. But still: knowing I can do it because I already have has helped my confidence a lot more than thinking I could do it if I had to. It’s nice to have that validation. It was risky, quitting a full-time job and moving to a more expensive city to pursue acting. What if I wasn’t good enough? Was I wasting my time and money? Was I in for a rude awakening?

And honestly, I don’t think I was good enough to be an actor in Toronto when I first moved here. But what made the difference between me coming, failing, and leaving, and me coming, failing, and staying, is that I didn’t come to Toronto to be a “successful actor” (whatever that is). I came to Toronto to become a better actor. In that, I can safely say I have succeeded. Thus, it has all been worth it.

Due to the weirdness (I think some people call it anxiety?), I booked it out of the cinema after the screening, so I missed taking photos and don’t have one to share. I got new headshots though, so here’s one of those.