Restless

I have a bad habit of writing blog posts and then not posting them. I think it’s because I know my dad reads these. Go away, Dad. You’re making me self-conscious.

The acting world has been slow of late. Even here in Toronto, where I moved for all the opportunity, I’ve had one audition in the last six weeks. Which is really frustrating, because I’ve been getting so much better as an actor. I was good before, but I’ve really honed my craft since graduating from CFC last year and I am hungry for auditions to test myself with.

This slow period has coincided with my trip to Alberta and a subsequent bout of illness, so I haven’t had much time to think about how few auditions there’ve been. This line of work is feast or famine, and I suppose it’s lucky that the famine period matched up so well with my life. If it had to slow down—and it does have to slow down at least once a year—this was the best time for it to happen for me. But now I’m out of bed and back to work and impatient for acting to start up again too. Add to that the fact that I mostly browsed social media while I was sick and saw so many friends releasing and celebrating their new projects and I’m restless. Maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking of writing again.

Oh yeah. It hasn’t just been this blog where I’ve stopped writing. Since coming to Toronto, I’ve hardly written any of my novel, or any scripts apart from the one I was required to write for my CFC showcase. I’ve had other things on my mind. An old university professor of mine recently posted on Facebook, asking former Creative Writing students to send pictures of us working at whatever jobs we’ve ended up at. I briefly considered what kind of picture I’d send. Me at the restaurant, serving guests? Me in bed with my dog and laptop? The best photo would probably be me at my receptionist job, frowning at a coffee machine.

I often think about how lucky I am to be doing what I once dreamed of doing. I’m living in a city I’d considered out of reach. I once resigned myself to community theatre and occasional acting classes to fulfill me, but now I’m further along in my acting career than I ever thought possible. I’m lucky, I’m lucky, I’m lucky. And I want more.

As I’ve said before, I had a rough start to Toronto. There’s a reason why it’s called “uprooting”, I guess. I planted myself in Toronto and tried to stand, but kept falling over. I’ve grown some roots over these last two years. They aren’t deep yet, but they’re holding me.

It affected my acting a lot. Acting is not an art that can be easily described. It’s like doing a trust fall with oneself, and therefore requires the actor to feel secure. I did not. I didn’t have enough work or money, and my living situation was precarious. I moved four times and got four jobs in these two years. I was in survival mode, trying not to drown as the ground under me gave way over and over again. How could I catch myself in a trust fall if I couldn’t even stand on my own two feet?

The instability of my life meant I couldn’t perform my best during this time. Because of that shoddy work, I doubted my abilities and questioned my instincts, which led to more shoddy work. I did my best, but the difference between my work pre- and post-Toronto move is stark. I was a strong actor in Calgary and I knew it. It was how I built up my resume and got into the conservatory despite only being able to afford acting classes sporadically over the years. But in Toronto, I was distracted from my work by the underlying need to afford groceries and have somewhere to sleep. Finally, I’m relatively settled into my newest living situation after moving over the summer, and I’ve diversified my income as much as I can to weather the ups and downs. I’ve also been taking acting classes nonstop, and they’re paying off. I’m at my best (so far) and now I’m met with…a wasteland. For five years now, there has always seemed to be something in the way, and it’s still not over.

Anyway, this entire post is just me complaining about not having auditions while living out my dream life. I’m aware of that. But this is my personal blog so I’m allowed to write whatever I want here. It’s been a while since I’ve written a straight up thought-vomit here rather than something polished and flowery, and I’ve kind of missed it. Gets the creative juices flowing and all that, which is great, because when I get restless like this, that’s when I usually take matters into my own hands. Who knows what’ll happen this time. Maybe nothing. Or maybe I’ll be able to turn this frustration into something productive.

Wish me luck!