The line between genius and stupidity is a blurry one. It’s hard to tell, but I think I’m on it. It’s hard to see from this angle. I’ll know for sure in twelve months.
I’ve been away in the middle of nowhere again. Again, I apologize for not writing more. I don’t have an excuse, but I have a reason…I just don’t know whether I want to share it. To be frank, I have a lot of stuff to sort through. Plus, there are things I’ve delayed due to being in the middle of fuck all.
My god, this must be so annoying to read. I’m too opaque to be a blogger, I think. I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s terrifying, but it’s an improvement from what I was feeling yesterday which was a mixture of hopelessness and nausea.
I’m supposed to be writing something else right now. I sat down to write my novel. It’s been a while since I last touched it. But it’s been longer since I’ve touched this blog, and my thoughts are bubbling over right now, and this blog has at least helped with that in the past, and I don’t know where I was going with this.
I’m currently sitting in a hipster-y cafe with an empty cup that used to have a London Fog in it and I don’t know exactly when it emptied. I’m sitting here with fourteen people I vaguely know, one of whom I can actually name for sure. As much as I like this kind of atmosphere—of barely knowing people and writing together anyways—I feel like I could be happier. Doing what? I don’t know. Being where? I also don’t know. I know what I don’t want, but I don’t know what I want. There. Yes. That’s exactly what I’m feeling. It took so long to put into words.
I know what I don’t want. I don’t know what I want.
I should’ve figured that out sooner. I feel that way about everything. I don’t have a favourite colour, but I absolutely despise pastel orange. I can’t name a favourite book, but I’ll never like Anne of Green Fucking Gables. I don’t have a favourite pair of shoes but what the hell is the allure of Crocs???
But this is a bit bigger than those things. I absolutely do not want to go back to school, in Calgary, for another four years. I absolutely do not want to stay in Calgary. But I have no idea where I want to go instead. The only answer I can come up with is “anywhere else”.
So I withdrew my already-accepted application to school today. I took the leap, but I don’t really have a backup plan. So now I’m falling. And there’s no net. Or parachute. Sorry, I just saw the new Spider-Man movie two hours ago.
Anyway, I think that’s long enough of a post. I’ll update you if I don’t first land with a splat.