The Fault in Fairy Tales

I’m supposed to be polishing up a final draft of my Textual Intervention piece right now. “Textual Intervention” is basically a fancy way of saying fan-fiction. Last semester, this is what I did for Textual Intervention. This semester, the genre we’re working on is fairy tales. Instead of turning a fairy tale into something completely different like I usually do, I’ve gone for the boring route and decided to do a normal, 2000 word rewrite of Rumplestiltskin. The thing is, Rumplestiltskin is a story with so many plot holes, and the perfectionist in me wants to patch them all up, but patching one will make another, and then the whole thing turns into a game of Whack-A-Mole. For example:

Why would a miller tell everyone that his daughter can spin straw into gold?

•  Either he’s lying, in which case, why would he lie about something so stupid?
• Or he’s telling the truth, in which case, why would he tell anyone when he can keep it to himself and move away and get rich?
• Either way, maybe he’s under the influence of alcohol. A lot of it.

Why would the king believe the miller or pay any attention to him at all when he has important king stuff to do?

• He wants gold and is stupid enough to believe that kind of stuff. In which case, how is he still king?
• He wants gold and lives in an alternate universe where people have superpowers. So he enslaves a poor girl.
• He is trying to teach the guy a lesson because he really cares about the honesty of every single living subject under his rule. But he doesn’t care about them enough to stop himself from threatening their lives when he wants gold.
• He’s bored and completely irresponsible. Again, how is he still king?

Why would Rumplestiltskin spin straw into gold for some random girl?

• Because he gets paid in jewellery. Jewellery from a girl who’s supposed to be dirt -poor. Jewellery made of gold. Like the gold he can spin from straw. He spins gold to get less gold.
• Maybe he’s a leprechaun. According to the Harry Potter books, leprechaun gold doesn’t last. So he’s a con-man. He’s scamming some dirt-poor girl who’s life and who’s father’s life is on the line. Jerk. But then why would he ask for a freakin’ baby? Those things require expensive upkeep!
• He actually wants her first-born and is only starting small with the jewellery to back this girl into a corner where she absolutely has to give up her first-born or die. Again. Jerk. But what the hell does he want a baby for?

Anyway, I could go on but I think I’ll stop there because this post could easily become three times as long as the word count for my assignment. As you can see, it’s kind of infuriating to have to fix all these problems the Grimm brothers wrote about. Like, seriously? The miller’s daughter hasn’t even got a fucking name!!!

*deep breath*

Okay. I’m just going to go and do something else for a bit…