10 Years of Precarious Writer: A Retrospective.

Holy smokes. I’ve been informed (against my will, I might add) that I’ve had this blog for ten years now. It’s amazing to think back to where I was when I began.

December 2014, Winchester, England. I was studying Creative Writing, hoping to someday work in publishing because that was the only thing I could think of doing with a Creative Writing degree. I did alright in school. I hadn’t done enough travelling for being in Europe a year, and was working on the third of what used to be a planned four-book series. I decided that by taking writing in university, I had chosen it over acting, but was still in the university drama club to get my fix. I had no idea what my future looked like. I remember trying to imagine myself even as far as five years in the future, but I didn’t even know which country I’d be in or what I’d be doing. It was an adventure, and I started a blog to record it all.

December 2015, Winchester, England. I was in my last year of university, and had finally found my stride. I discovered I had a talent for screenplays, when I actually put the time in. Back in Calgary, my parents separated and my dad got our dog Foxy. I’d gone on a solo adventure to Paris in November without telling anyone. I had a part-time job at a cafe and took tae kwon do classes at a discount, where I could attend the classes with everyone else but wouldn’t get a belt or any level tests. I’d scrapped the four-book series idea which had gotten a little out of hand, and started over with a new draft. My grades were good, my friendships were solid, and I was happy.

December 2016, Calgary, Canada. I was miserable. I’d graduated and missed my grandpa’s funeral, had a brief hospital stint for a nosebleed, couldn’t get a UK internship before my visa ran out, and was forced back to Calgary. I got a good little part-time job over the summer, but lost it when I started classes in Graphic Design, and the school turned out to be a scam so I got out of there and was left with nothing but a retail job. I was exhausting myself under the worst manager I’ve ever had, and didn’t even get benefits. With my minimum wage earnings, I got a gym membership and a few personal training sessions. I’d go to the gym, then shower and walk to work with my hair forming icicles in the five minutes it took to go from one building to the next. Outside of work, I’d sometimes write my novel, but rarely did much else. I missed the friends and life I’d left in England and didn’t really have a social life in Calgary to replace it. I was burnt out and lonely, dealing with a lack of direction, family drama, and general hopelessness, but at least I had money.

December 2017, Calgary, Canada. I was broke. I’d quit my job in January and with my savings had given myself one year to pursue acting. The industry in Calgary isn’t big, but my career relative to Calgary’s indie scene took off. I’d done a whole bunch of little projects including shorts, a couple pilots, a music video, and a feature film, and even had to turn a few down. I had filmed a little short film based on a short story I wrote in university, and was editing it with a mentor. It made me think I could actually work in the film world for a living someday, and I dreamed of moving to Toronto where I could continue my pursuit of a job in publishing while also working as an actor. I did a lot of little odd jobs to help fund my experimental acting year, but I didn’t have living expenses yet so money didn’t seem that important to me.

December 2018, Calgary, Canada. It was my first year with an acting agent, and as a result I was in a few more acting projects, especially paid ones. Oddly enough, acting was the main source of my meagre income. But I was still broke. I had been busting my butt off volunteering for an editing association under a board president who…had some issues. I gave up the association work and my publishing industry dreams with it, then shifted my attention from Toronto to Vancouver, which was closer. I was also in my second of two plays that year, with overlapping rehearsals for a few months, and both were volunteer as well. I was working so hard and getting no money for any of it. At one point, a family friend offered me a tutoring job that I’d done before. I worked for one day, then dared to ask how much he was paying me, and he fired me for being obsessed with money…WHILE I WAS BROKE AND VOLUNTEERING 40+ HOURS A WEEK. THE AUDACITY OF THIS MAN. I didn’t really mind not having that job, but the fallout with this guy, the editing board president, and the terrible manager from my retail job the year before, combined with the immense amount of work I was doing and nothing in my bank account to show for it, had me down. Things weren’t going very well.

December 2019, Calgary, Canada. Things were going great. I’d had another good year of acting, but also got a job serving events at a hotel. It was minimum wage and not a lot of hours, but it kept me afloat and I liked it. I’d somehow managed to turn some film industry contacts into friends, and had a bit of a social life. I’d also written a web series and was awarded $20K to film the pilot, so I was working on putting that together, though it was just me so far. Despite the grant, I did not have room in the budget to pay myself for the months of work I had already put in, and months more I would put in. Once again, I was working very hard for no money. But this time was different, because it was for me. My own project. I wrote it, and was producing and directing, and I had the lead role. It was difficult work and long hours, but I saw it as an investment in my future.

December 2020, Calgary Canada. My web series pilot had crashed and burned, my job had disappeared, I hadn’t seen my friends in months, I’d been trapped in a house with my family for way too long, and Foxy had just died. Just when I thought I was out of options, my dad offered me a basement apartment he was having trouble renting out (thank god for generational wealth). I moved out with the determination to never move back in with either parent, though I estimated I could only afford to live there six months before I couldn’t afford it anymore, even with the family discount. I’d managed to get paid for all my work on my web series after all, at the cost of my sanity hopes and dreams future investment. After the cost of the mangled pilot, it was a few thousand dollars. With a few thousand more from a Hallmark movie I did, plus some COVID government relief money, 2020 was my most financially successful year thus far, but I knew it wouldn’t last forever. And then, just as the year was coming to a close, I got offered a dream job.

December 2021, Calgary Canada. I was adulting hard. I had a full-time job with benefits where I got to stretch my creative writing muscles. I had an apartment (I’d upgraded to an apartment with windows in May), where I was working from home and fostering my third foster dog, a shy little chihuahua who skipped when she was happy. I adopted her on the very last day of the year and named her Skipper. I’d been taking good care of myself, with home cooked meals, dentist visits, and tae kwon do for exercise. I had regular paycheques, but the lifestyle inflation was real. I was fully independent from my parents, with the exception of my rent discount, which admittedly did help a LOT. Turns out, just because a job is full-time and offers benefits, doesn’t mean it pays well. My days were filled with it, and I did not have time for anything else. I wasn’t working on my novel. I gave up on acting as a career, but now that I could finally afford them, took acting classes to suppress the withdrawal symptoms. Life was good and I liked my job—why rock the boat?

December 2022, Toronto, Canada. I GAVE IT ALL UP AND MOVED TO TORONTO. The acting career I’d given up was now at an all-time high. I’d done a pilot for Amazon and got into the country’s most prestigious acting conservatory at the Canadian Film Centre, one of only eight actors accepted each year. I got an awesome agent at my dream talent agency and was meeting casting directors and inspiring industry folk every single week. I was acting full-time! I had free acting classes! All my dreams were coming true! But it was also the lowest I’d ever been. All at once, I’d lost my home, job, hobbies, friends, family, and dog. I was broke again, because Toronto is so expensive and with the conservatory I had no time to work. I’d had an abusive stalker landlord, but got out of there and was in a temporary sublet. I was living out of suitcases with no sense of stability or security. This was survival mode.

December 2023, Toronto, Canada. Still in survival mode. Toronto is not for the faint of heart. Finishing my conservatory left me adrift and alone in a brutal sea of concrete. I was living in an attic sublet, but at least I had Skipper with me again, even if my new landlord did seem weirdly possessive of her. I got a serving job over the summer which burned me out working 40-60 hours a week, then my hours got cut to an untenable amount (0-3 hours per week) when patio season ended. My grandma died and I took an unplanned trip home. I was haemorrhaging money once again. My life savings were smoke. In between auditions and work, I didn’t know what to do with myself. But I was working hard at trying to turn acquaintances into friends, I’d just started a second part-time job at a cool office, and my old employer reached out asking if I’d take on some freelance writing work. I was cautiously hopeful that the ground under me would settle soon.

December 2024, Toronto, Canada. I’m writing a blog post with Skipper asleep in my lap. I’m in my bedroom in an apartment we share with two roommates and no landlords. I have an acting class in an hour, and my agent just sent me an audition. I was on set yesterday shooting a short horror film, and I’m proud of my work on it. I’m actually decent at this whole acting thing. The day before, I had a server shift at my restaurant job, and then went to a Christmas party for my office job where I saw some friends and had a good time. In the last week, I’ve seen a conservatory friend’s play and attended a Christmas party for the current conservatory actors. In the coming week, I’ve got a voice over-ish gig for a big show, and will be attending the showcase for recent grads of the Canadian Film Centre film program. I’m still building my savings and recovering from my last-minute move out of the attic over the summer, but life isn’t so volatile anymore. At least for now.

I’ve grown a lot this past decade. It’s worn me down and built me up, and I’ve learned more with each challenge. It’s put into perspective what’s truly important to me and what I need in order to keep going. It’s also shown the value in my hard work and what I have to offer. Thank you for seeing me through it. I’m sure this next decade will be just as unpredictable.